Nite Campers

I can' be bothered to continue listing the countries. Here's a really old travel website of mine if you're interested.
http://members.virtualtourist.com/m/807ed/

Forget the order.
Where else have I been and what major memory to I have for each respective place. Yes, I am depressed. This is why I am trying to keep myself occupied writing about placesihavebeen.
Yawn.
What should I do instead? I've kinda finished the Final Exit book. Very sad. There are folks out there in pain.
All they want to do is die.
But the law doesn't allow them to get help.
It truly sucks.
This one guy, in his early 20's and a quad from crashing his motorbike, begged Mr Humphries to help him, but Mr Humpries, who had actually helped his wife pass away and then started the Hemlock Society to help others, said that he couldn't help cos it would harm his efforts to try to legalise helping loved ones die when they needed it, and then, about a year later, the poor young boy had to resort to killing himself by setting the sofa on fire.
Truly sad and no, heartbreak does no warrant offing oneself, that much is shore. I feel down, yes I do, I do, I do, I feel awful, but I know that I am a good person and that it is not my fault that things didn't work out. It wasn't his fault either. He just should have told me sooner that 'he was never looking'.
Where was I?
Oh, countries I have been to.
I went skiing in Switzerland when I was about 12.

I can't sleep, probably because it's not even 7pm yet.
So I'm going to try to remember all the countries I've been to in a kind of order.
Bwahahahahahahahaha.
This kind of post is usually sooooooooooooooooooooo dull for readers.
Bwahahahahahahahhahahahahaha.
Just doin' it for myself.
First country was India at 11 years old.
Yawn. Y'all've heard that story. Yawnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
Then I went to Corfu and did a silly Greek dance in a circle. Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaaha. We travelled with our neighbors, soooo British of us, and the neighbor's kid, same age as me, got an infection from the swimming pool, so I missed out on lobster cos I offered to stay with her.
Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.
The next country I visited was Portugal. I wuz about 13 I reckon. I trapped The Beast(my half sister) on the balcony cos I broke the shutter between the balcony and the room even though mum had told me not to touch it.
I always fuck up like that.
On the same trip mum and I were looking at some Algarve sweaters at a market when I put my hand on the stall table and it collapsed.
To be continued because long posts bore me too.

Off to bed. Night campers.

Yeah, so I opened the bottle of O'Connors but then went to the toilet. I came back and shook the bottle of O'Connors, forgetting that the cap/lid/top was off.
Oh la la. All over the wall and cheese grater.
Then I shook the O'Connors in the cocktail shaker and thought, 'Hmmm. I think I'll add some Blackstrap' but added more O'Connors instead. Uh doh.
I didn't go to the shop to get ice-cream and port cos I have O'Connors and other stuff.

About Dignity

This is very nice to listen to.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00nx0w4

It's 4:16.
I haven't been to the shop yet to get ice-cream cos I just remembered that I bought a bottle of O'Connors about 3 hours ago.
$9.99 and wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy better than Baileys. Ice-cream would be nice. Washed down with a glass of port.
If I didn't drink, my money would last forever and then I'd die and leave it all to an animal charity. Evil roar.
I love bitches who leave their fortunes to animals.

So yah, I feel low today. Low, despite not having to go to work tomorrow. Low, despite having savings in the bank. Facking low. It sucks.
Sucks sucks sucks.
SUCKS!
It's nice here. Blue sky most days. It's a town in the desert that is high, so it has four seasons yet all around is desert. It's pretty cool that a couple of mountains can create a totally different climate to what lies around the corner.
I have to make my memories, my memories. It's awful when you have co-joined memories and then it's over and it's so painful to remember stuff.
This is why I can't bear a heap of music right now. I'd like to send memory sticks hither and thither to gather new music.
What a mess. I totally wasted this year. He always laughed at the word 'forever'.
I am not a sop, I know that nothing lasts forever because we d.i.e.
When somebody says, 'I want to love you forever', it means that they aren't looking for anybody else. You never, ever jumped with joy
that you had a woman who wanted to love you forever.
I hate that.
I gave my best love to somebody who wasn't looking for forever.
That sucks big time.
Uh, what a fucked up year.
What a waste of money.
I am so tired of straight men.
Fack. This was a massive tigression as the post was meant to be about Greyhound buses.
Fckers.
I was sitting here feeling lonely and ruing the year, when I remembered that some friends have invited me to their homes for Thanksgiving, so I went to Greyhound.
And omfg, do you know how much it costs to get there and back from Flag to Seattle? Facking $350!!!!!!!!! WTF!
And to Texas? $300!!!!!!!!!! WTF!
How can anybody afford to travel in this country. I guess this is why y'all have your own cars.

I'm not going to the Indian restaurant and instead will go to the supermarket and spend a fraction of what I would have spent at the Indian.
This is Yoda. He's alive somewhere in Japan Land. I miss you Yoda Perkins.
I would like a cat again. Cats have brought me great joy in life.
I really like my new Columbia polo neck sweater.
I also really like that freebie make-up I got duped into thinking was free but it wasn't really. So I sent it back - which y'all know - but I'm no fool so decanted most of the powder from each pot. And it's good. Bloody good stuff. I love it. Evil roar. It's just a loose powder but it covers absolutely all my wrinkles and blemishes without looking like it's there.

Hmmm. I might go to the local Indian for their All-You-Can-Eat/Drink Champagne deal for $14.
It would be extravagant and a bit looserish to rock up alone and then proceed to stuff my face with naan and bubbly, but I could be Raptured any minute, so this might be my last chance.

This photo was taken by the former owner of my boat. It shows a bunch of chicks on it. Boats are chick magnets. It's pathetic.

I used to be a Wise One.
I wish I had stayed one more year in Japan.
I have too many egrets going on for this year.
Gotta stop egretting.

Awww look, me and Benjamin from Liverpool. Japan 2006. Before the First Big Moff.

WTF! How come he managed to get his Thai pillow/mattress into the country!!
Sigh. I still rue the day I told the guy at SFO that I did indeed have a Thai pillow in my bags. Fck. Sometimes it pays to lie.

Cor look I just found a bunch of old photos. LOL! 2006. Fack, I was young and innocent then.

Isn't this a pretty place? It's Simi island in Greece. It's the place to go and stock up on booze before heading into Turkish waters cos 1) the Turks don't do wine well (only in the wine village of Sirince near my flat) and 2) booze is cheap in Greece. Thank gawd I had a blog going for my students at the start of this trip cos all the other photos got lost when the original blog 2004-2008 RIP got deleted in a moment of insanity.
I executed perfectly a stern anchor landing in Simi, which impressed the skipper. I told him it had been a fluke.

Here's Lobby (RIP) in Egypt. I have travelled to many countries (Bragg Aminos) but there's only one place that I would revisit in a flash, and that's Egypt.
There is something about Egypt.
I feel so privileged to have been alone in the big pyramid for 30 minutes.
Moments like this usually only happen to Michael Jackson, Princess Diana or rich Russians, not ordinary people, like what I is.
It was the most amazing moment of my life.
I had previously said to myself as I landed at Cairo airport whilst listening to Gnarls Barkley's 'Crazy', that it was a dream of mine to be alone in a pyramid. That landing was for a stopover en route for Nairobi/Cape Town but a few months later I returned to Egypt via boat on the Eastern Med Yacht Rally and this is when I managed to be alone in the big pyramid.

How? Most of you know this story but for new readers I will expand a tad.(Zzzz for the other victims of this blog)
In a nutshell, there was a power outage just as I was about to enter the 'mid(this was my second time to visit the pyramids) and everybody rushed out of the pyramid cos they were pussies.
I saw this as a fine opportunity to be alone in the pyramid so entered it despite the man and woman at the entrance shouting down the steep ramp that goes down down down into the pyramid to, 'come back, come out'.
No fucking way was I gonna turn around.
This was my chance to channel Diana.
It was pitch black inside.
Darker than dark.
I felt my way down, along and up.
It was soooooooooooo scary in the dark but I felt that friendly forces were around so kept moving forward. The dark swallowed up the flame from my lighter.
Fck. What an awesome experience.

Well, that was a good sleep. Minus dreams though. My favourite dreams are either the cliche flying ones or the ones where I can't cross a road and this, for some odd reason, totally turns me on. It's like having a dream about Owen Wilson saying, 'I love you. You are the one who can make me happy. Sod stardom'.

Anyway, here's Lobby (RIP) in Jerusalem. That was one weird town. I put my hand on the ground that Jesus was meant to have been on when he was on the cross but I didn't kiss the slab in the entrance way to the spooky church cos I didn't want to catch anything.
Fact: Hardcore Christians are more likely to get swine flu than any other demographic group.
So yah, I lit a fire this morning because this is The Day I actually pack.
I have done fack all all week apart from lie on the couch, go to the post office, and buy wine and beer. It has been a pathetic week.
I didn't retire myself to be left alone on a fucking couch.
I wake up and feel awful in the stomach. Like panic attacky. Uh, soooooo fucking Hollywood.
I read a very moving post from Vancouver Runner and I want to say that we sound very similar 'cept I can't run.
I wish I could write like her.
Well, that's all for now. Gonna have my morning coffee enema because it's the best thing humans can do to help you stay healthy.
Currently drinking a stealth Swiss Miss.

I can knock myself out pretty quickly recently.
It's not even 7pm but I just know that if I have 3 melatonin - evil roar - and a shot of Cruzan, I'll be out for the count.
Yeah.

I have decided that even if I don't hear back from the marina, that I will go to Mexico as soon as my Amazon tool bags arrive, oh, and a 1lb bag of curry powder.
I can sleep on the beach in Mexico until they move my boat into the yard. In the daytime I reckon they'll let me use the boatyard shower.
So that's my plan.
Tool bags. Curry powder.
Then I'm orf to be reunited with Tintern the Duck from Tintern Abby.

Maybe it's cos I'm at 7500ft high but all the songs playing on my Ipod wannabe are bringing messages.
It could be the altitude though.
I went for a walk and wondered what I was doing out on the street.
Can you tell I coloured my hair?
I am set for Mexico cos I now have two coolers.

Ha! I was just posting this photo while listening to a poem from the 16th century. Anyway, way back then, love meant becoming a 'we', and then somebody went on to say that if you are not prepared or willing to embrace the 'we', then the relationship is fcked.
See! They knew the plot centuries ago.
Down with Sex and the City mentality.
I'm going for a walk because it's 4.43pm.

So yah, I'm making 1 potato 2 carrot 1 onion 1 tin of toms curreh.
It smells okay.
I'm also doing a bit of a wine tasting testing with the Fetzer and the Two Vines in the photo. The former 2007, latter 2006, and both Cabs.
$4.99 a pop at Bashas. Bashas never used to have $4.99 wine until I blogged about Trader Joes and how cheap and varied the selection was there.
Ah, the power of the blog.
Right now I'm diggin' the Two Vines but actually prefer the Mondavi I had the other day, also $4.99.

What to do. At Bashas you can currently get 10 cartons of Ziplock bags (Hefty) for $10. Sooooooooo cheap. I am umming and ahhing about whether to get them or knot cos I have a feeling they might come in handy on the boat.

I just went to the Goodwill thrift store and bought the C0lumbia sweater in the picture for a few bucks and a cooler($2.99).
I need some fresh music.
I tigressed.
So yah, store-bought food that is ready made absolutely fcking sucks. But so does $3+ fresh chicken, so today I decided to make a vegetable curreh as pots, which I don't eat very often these days, were only 17 cents a pound, so I bought 1 potato and 1 onion, the yogurt, and tin of toms. The price for all the above was negligible.
I have a few carrots I can add.
I also bought a bottle of Fetzer wine.
More on that once I've started drinking it.
Hmm, what time is it?
Back in a tick.
That's better.
In other news, Moby Nick is selling his boat. Check out his website at www.bigoceans.com. I wish I could buy his boat but I can't cos I already have a boat. aircraft carrier
I really want to get out of here but the marina are stalling on giving me a date.

Me during the hurricane.
It was funny but recently I did a search for my boat, as one does when bored, and I found something that a guy who is based in SC on a boat there and who is always listening to the net, wrote about 'those British people in the bay'. It was funny. He was saying stuff like, 'sounds like that British girl has a problem with her stuffing box. I can hardly hear her though because of her engine. Oscar is going over to help. He'll not make it. It's wild out there' or words to that effect.

I got this shirt for Jack from a thrift store somewhere or it could have been Las Vegas. He loves it. Wonder if he wears it back in Old Blighty?

I guess AJ's family too.
Not sure why I'm posting all this crap. I guess I'm having fun and it's keeping my mind off helium.

Jack Tar helming Saltshaker.
Arrrrrrrrrh.

This pic of Jack still makes me chuckle.

I guess I think of young Jack Tar as family now. I love this photo of Jack and Nate standing next to Betty. It's a lot easier to launch Betty from the shore, as opposed from the big boat. Jack had to come and rescue me twice. Ha ha ha ha.
The hurricane in September 2007 snapped Betty's boom but I jury rigged another one and she is like new.

I actually don't have many pics of my own family so will share this photo of an Egyptian family with you. I bought a camel hair blanket from them. It's at my flat in Turkey. It's very warm.

Here's my mum at her high school graduation as a 16 year old, a few minutes before she became pregnant with me.

This is the house I lived in from 11 to 16.
Mum planted all the trees in the garden. She had green fingers and knitting fingers and sewing fingers but was still a bad ass woman. Go Lynda!

This is the house I lived in from 9 till about 11.

Jack Tar in the hurricane.

I have no eye deer why but I used to fancy the Japanese guy in the picture. His family had a battery chicken farm.
He once brought me a bucketful of eggs the night before I went away for 7 weeks. Like duh. He probably thought I meant 7 hours cos 7 weeks is like 4 Japanese lifetimes of vacation time.
The boy in the pic is Gavin. We are still in touch and he is now 30!! Wtf!! He was an exchange high school student who used to come to my house after school every day to smoke and drink Asahi Super Dry. He'd pop a polo in his mouth and spray his uniform with Issey Miyake before going home to his boring host family.
The chick in the pic was visiting me from the countryside to check out my cat, Uma, who she was gonna look after while I was on vacation.
Unfortunately, Uma fell asleep next to forgothernameoops, stretched in her sleep, and scratched forgothername's eyeball, so we all had to go into Nagoya to see the eye doctor.

This is me with one of my mum's boyfriends. I used to daydream that he was my real father cos I liked his hair.

This photo was taken in Vietnam.
I ended up in bed with the guy in the red tee-shirt. He was French.
Y'all are probably thinking I'm a 'war', as Bel's Nigerian ex-boyfriend once called her, 'You're a war!", he said, 'A war!'
I'm not a war. All these shags were undertaken over a long period of time, like two decades.
Compared to your average British bint, I am a relative virgin.

I met this guy in Malaysia, too. On Langkawi. I was sitting outside my beachfront bungalow one day and he came and asked me if I 'wanted to go and get some tea', meaning 'dinner'.
I said yes but let's have a sundowner at every bar along the beach first.
So we did.
He was a very handsome man with a lovely lean body. We were sitting at some bar or other and watching a parasailer. I said, 'I'd love to do that' and he said, 'I've done one million high altitude parachute jumps', so I shut up.
We ended up at the German-owned restaurant at the end of the beach. He ordered pizza and ate it from the outside in.
I told him that I fancied him and he said that he fancied me. So we had a week long holiday romance and then he went back to his wife. I didn't know he had a wife.

G.I.S

While looking through these old photos, I keep stumbling across pics of past shags, so thought I'd share them with you.
Evil roar.
(I wrote G.I.S in the title but have no eye deer what it means even though it meant something originally. I'm sure the 's' is shag. Hmm, what's the G and I? Damn, this Swiss Miss is messin' w'i ma head)
So which one did I do it with?
None of them but I did get nekkid with the guy who looks like the governor of California. He was from Sweden, I think. He had a funny accent. I should have shagged the guy in the jeans cos he really liked me but I saw him as a lil' bro' even though we were the same age. Stupid of me, he was sooooooooooo nice, a German student in Singapore who ended up 'working' at the same bar/restaurant as what I did in Cherating, Malaysia.
Yeah, I know, what twat goes on vacation for 6 weeks and then 'works' during it. Uh duh. It was fun though. That's why I did it. Especially after work when we'd go into the jungle to chill out.

Yokohama Yamashita Koen

This is me with a Japanese boyfriend - Manabu Oura - my grandfather used to call him Malibu.
We had our photo taken for Mens No No magazine for the International Couple page. Bwahahahahahaha.
I never orgasmed with this guy. I had my suspicions that he was more into guys than gals but then again I did meet him in 2/3 San-Chome, To Ki Yo at Delight, so what should I have expected.
Bwahahahahahahah.
Did you ever go to Delight, j-boy?
What was the name of that bar with the giant pot of flowers on the table in the middle of the room?
Jimmy in HK would know!

Me with NTG (Not-the-Grandma).
It's always the step-side of the family who seem to have the great long life genes. Freda, her name, lived till the ripe old age of 93. She could still run marathons at the end, it was just that she got Alzheimer's. Her first husband died in the 1950's and soon after she went round the world on a big cruise ship. This was pretty outgoing for a widowed woman in the 50's. She's met Queen Mary because the Queen came into her father's carpentry shop one day.
100% of NTG's family live in New Zealand. Her only son moved there in the 60's. Good move!

I got the jacket made in Korea. Uh duh. It was awful but I was determined to wear it cos it was 'tailored'. Bwahahahahahahaha as Lady Liz has got me saying.

I consider this boy family, too.
It's j-in-jacubicle.

Here's a photo of Grampy. Thor has been keeping some important things of mine and in the package that arrived yesterday (Thanks dude!) was the audio tape made at my grandfather's retirement party/speech.
It is sooooooooooooo awesome to have his voice on tape and to hear the story of his working life, as told by his boss, interspersed with anecdotes from Gramps.
Grampy only sat on the sofa when I was in town.
I used to sit in his armchair.
I had no eye deer that I was sitting in his armchair when I visited throughout the years until the last visit when I asked him if he usually sits where he's sitting in this photo.
He said, "That's my armchair you always sit in".
I now understand why he hated me putting my legs over the arm of his armchair when I was sick, but it was really hard to sit comfortably with a 32 inch tumor in my stomach, and it felt good to swing my legs over the side of the armchair at the time. Thank you Gramps for letting me do that even though it got on your wick.

I know I was meant to be putting up old family photos but I love these folks like family cos they treat me like family when I'm in the Turkish 'hood.
Teachers and doctors.

This is my couch in Turkey where I took photos of the photos you are gonna have to suffer through. I love this couch. It was my first big soft couch cos houses in Japan Land were too small for big soft couches.
So yah, this flat is virtually empty but I love it. A good friend in Turkey might be able to rent this place for me for one year but that's still in the pipeline. I'm either/or about renting the flat because it's my only place of refuge should the shit hit the fan in my life and it would feel strange not having anywhere to go. I like knowing that I have a safe house.
I do love Turkey. I'd like to take the train from eastern Turkey to Iran one day. I also like Iran and don't believe the mass media or politicians on the issue of Iran.

I think I'll get my hard drive out and post some old photos like what Ms Iceland has been doing. I love reading about Ms Iceland's family because it's nice to see a family who are good to each other and who keep in touch. I love that Icelandic clan.
Gonna make a stealth Swiss Miss. You gotta try it. Swiss Miss and any hard booze like whiskey or rum. I'm still on the Cruzan Blackstrap. OMG, it's a great way to wake up on a Saturday morning.
Creamy with a cick.

Almost every morning this speedy week I have woken up at 4:20. I think this is a sign from God that life is indeed a pleasure trip. I've been taking melatonin at night. I was naughty last night and took two - evil roar. Thor used to send melatonin to Japan for me when I went through a melatonin stage. I used to think he was dead lucky being American cos in the Land of the Free you could buy these little dream pills. Yep, I used to have amazing flying dreams on melatonin, but not now. I just zonk out. Maybe it's an age thing. Melatonin doesn't work for those over 40?
So yah, today I will pack some boxes seeing that I didn't touch one box yesterday. I can't really say what I spent the day doing cos I'll get locked up like what happened to my great grandmother, my grandfather's mother, who was put in a loony bin when my grandfather was around 6 years old cos she really loved sex and had 8 kids all with different men.
(My grandfather was the result of a one night stand with a man in a travelling circus)
She stayed in the loony bin for years and years and years but she wasn't mental, just horny, and this is how they dealt with such women in the early twentieth century. Grampy ended up living with his grandmother, Louisa, after whom I am middle named, who used to say, "If you see a spider, don't kill it, let it live and thrive' MAJA!!or something close to that. She had a budgie that used to sit on my head and lots of animal ornaments on her windowsill, mantelpiece and shelves.

Fking Pie Rates

http://www.noonsite.com/Members/sue/R2009-11-20-2

"I'll have one pie today and one pie tomorrow".
Bullsheet.
I ate them both cos I couldn't decide which one tasted better - the chicken or the beef.
In all honesty, they both tasted like the 66 cents and 88 cents they cost.
So yah, I love all my readers for getting me out of the doldrums in super fast time.
I was down one minute and then up the next.
How did that happen?
You all happened.
Thank you.
I remember what Maggie and Travis said, par example, about how you gotta control your mind cos it can be a bugger to restrain.
I remember heaps of stuff that the rest of you said.
I also decided to list the things each day that I have enjoyed.
I like laughing so I loved laughing today as I listened to many - omg, you have no eye deer how many - BBC radio programmes. Hmm, I wish I could remember some of the really funny eye brow jokes I heard today.
Today was a treat because it was News Quiz day. I love that show and am in awe of how clever they all are and how funny they are. I wish Sandy Totsvig(sp) was my step-mum.

I know, I didn't waste much time once I heard about How Helium Helps Him Or Her Hallucinate To Heaven and ordered this book, Final Exit, which sounds really interesting, regardless of whether you want to orf yourself or knot. I ordered this book yesterday afternoon. Amazon obviously doesn't like me.
The book is in big print cos they expect folks who need this kind of book to have trouble reading small print, which I think is very thoughtful of the publisher.
I just went to Bashas. I always feel sad when I go to Bashas cos some of its branches are closing down due to the growing economy (cough) and I feel sorry for the workers cos Bashas workers are real friendly despite the name of the supermarket.
I purchased a 6 pack of Modelo to practice drinking Mexican beer and a $4.99 bottle of red wine, which I review later.
I didn't know what to eat so ended up buying the two cheapest things available - 2 pies - so British. I'll have one today and one tomorrow.
I nearly bought two tubs of Hagen Daaz for $5 but knew it would be a big mistake that would end up on the love handles on my back.
UPDATE
The author of this book lives in Eugene, OR and is a sailor. Cool huh.

Gonna be more positive and not write about anything but nice things. Like how I'm going to cycle up to the shop to get a bottle of wine and some grub.

Gonna email the marina again. They got back to me briefly yesterday and said that the yard is full but they might be able to fit me in. I really don't want to be paying $30+ a day while I wait around for the boat to be moved and this is why I am still in AZ.

Live. Cos I Am

Anyway, after looking at my stern gland adjusting gear, I think that the new square ended wrench things I bought from West Marine, will actually do the trick. I thought the new ones might be too small but I guess I was exaggerating the size of my boat's shaft.

I went to the post office. The man in front of me, he had a beard, looked at my hat and said, 'You look prepared for winter in Nanuk Land'
I said, 'You've got to be prepared for all weather'
He said, 'Australian?'
'No, British. That's why I wear this hat. Just in case I get deported suddenly'.
'Ho ho ho', he said.
It was then my turn at the counter. I gave the repacked www.glowassholes.com stupid NOT FREE make-up to the postal worker and asked, 'Could you tell me how much it is to send this registered'
'What's in it?'
'Oh, stuff'
'What kind of stuff?'
'Stupid stuff'
'Like what"
Sigh. "Okay, I'll tell you but I'm embarrassed. It's stupid NOT FREE make-up"
"Okay"

Step by step with Baileys. It's all so fucked up. Still, I managed to get one over at glow.com. I called to cancel the dumbfuck order and the guy, Derek, kept asking me why I didn't like the make-up and I sed,
'Cos I don't really wear make-up and only got it cos it said FREE'.
Derek then hissed, 'So you were trying to get a freebie'
I could see he was serious and didn't take lightly spongers like what I is so I started saying that I liked the product but that it was a 'bit dark'.
He said,' We have lighter colours'
I sed, 'Well actually, I don't really want the make-up. I just want to cancel the damn order'.
So he gave me the RMA number and I'll head to the post office in a tic to send the damn thing back.
Yep, I feel like crap.
He was a loving and fun man. We had heaps of fun. We were on the same fun wavelength.
The problem was this year really messed with my head. I had put so much on seeing him again and had believed that he was busy till June so imagine how upset I was in the spring when it turned out he was free but hadn't told me. I'd been sitting alone for over a year and he had known just how much I wanted to see him again, so that was a pretty shitty thing to do.
It was done this year. Not last year. Or the year before, so quite a way into the relationship, he was okay not rushing to be with me(although I'd have been the one taking the flight this time)
Him not being there when he could have been there meant that I had to reflect once more on just how much this guy wanted me around. I thought to myself, 'How come he doesn't want to be with me as soon as he can?'
I found some photos he'd taken while in Panama. Lots of photos of some girls on the boat he was on. Lots of photos.
This happened in 2009. This year. The man who had emailed me everyday saying how much he loved me and missed me, then went to Panama and took photos of other women.
So I think it's best that I leave this person because our interpretation of what love is differs greatly.
Just recently an old friend came in from out of town. A woman. He went hiking with her and didn't invite me. He was so proud to introduce me to his old friend. Not. And then he expects me to be happy?
It's all fucked up.
The very first time he said he loved me he then quickly said, "Love is dangerous". I should have left there and then because yes, love is dangerous when you say things you don't really mean. It makes the other person make decisions they might otherwise have never made.
And yes, I take a lot of the blame for the trauma this year but I was only reacting to seeds sown by another, I didn't sow them.
So yes, I understand that you are sick of all the fighting and even though you gave me many chances, (which you should have done because my head was all messed up this year and it didn't stop hurting for a long time) once we got back from Asia I was ready to start all over again. But then you said, 'Why don't we just meet in Mexico' (months down the line). Then you went to California without me. You went hiking without me. You went to Vancouver without me. You have plans for the end of the year but didn't invite me until I asked, 'Where am I in all this?'
All negative. Nothing that would bring us closer and put to an end a stressful beginning to my fucking freedom.
I emailed my company today and asked them to give me a job next year.
I need to do this all again and this time do it properly.

I must get up to turn the light off now that it is daylight.

Today I could buy some masking tape and winter woolen tights. But mostly I want to sleep.
No mispelllings found.

I went to bed at 8 last night and woke up at 4am. This couch is magic as each sleep seems to pass in a flash. I was on this couch ALL DAY yesterday and time went quickly then, too.
I shall be on the couch today after I have been to the post office and finally phoned www.glowfckers.com.

So yah, I feel like crap (I dream about stumbling across a gun)but am trying my best to see that the end was inevitable as it was really difficult for me to be with a man who never spoke of a future. I know that sounds silly but it was a constant pick pick pick at the foundation to the relationship; the not knowing and the inability to include me in plans when talking about them, like, um, 'yes, we could live in that little house' or 'we could drive all over South America', instead of the I I I I I I I I I all the time. The 'I's never went unnoticed and they've been happening from Day 1 of the romance. Oh, to have been with a guy who said, 'I'd love to do that with you!', or 'Yep, we've got to figure out our shit'.
There were no 'we's' no 'ours'. Do I sound like a bunny boiler? Well, I'm not. I just believe in giving my ALL if I'm going to lay claim to falling in love, and my all includes being sure of somebody to the point that I am prepared to alter my world into an 'us' world. This is what distinguishes the real thing from a fling.
So yah, I bought a shitload of Little Miss Hot Cocoa the other day. 5 boxes, yes boxes, for $5. From Frys. I bought them for lonely nights on the boat. I put a shot of Cruzan Blackstrap into the cup. Yum. Gonna make another now. It will help the panic attacks I get when I think of visiting kitco.com. I truly fucked up with regards to my investing prowess this year. Big fuck up. Very big. Like duh big.

I'm going to try and trip on melatonin tonight.

All day on the couch. All day. All day on the couch. Oh, and I made a chicken broth that lies abandoned. I do not want to be sad again. I don't want to go through the mourning period where I feel like crap 24/7. Like what I feel right now. I don't even want the chicken stock.
This is a very difficult time. I am tired of difficult times. Okay, I know these times aren't that difficult, I mean, there are folks out there who have real problems to whinge about. Sigh. I still feel like crap though. It's been a messy year in my head. My heart is beating really quickly; it does that a lot lately. It's never done that before.

Still haven't heard from the marina. As soon as I do, I can leave. The thing is I don't want to have to stay in hotels once I get to Mexico cos they aren't cheap in the Guaymas 'hood. I'd rather live on the boat in the yard. It will cost about $360 for the first month. If the engine is working and the bottom job still looks good then I'll hopefully be able to put the boat back on the mooring buoy in the bay but I'm gonna need some help dong that cos the boat is too big to move alone. See how Catch 22 every single day from now on is.
Uh, well, at least I know that I'll love mucking around on my boat even if I don't get to go anywhere.

I haven't done anything all day but lie on the couch and drink a little bit of this or a little bit of that. Oh , I finally got around to putting the $30 West Marine rebate form into an envelope.
I'll send it tomorrow.
I don't feel like going outside.
I feel like crap.
What he never understood was that the initial surprise in the spring really messed me up.
He'll blame me for the tiffs now but I'll say,
'If you hadn't done that, then this year would have been so different and we'd have been a lot happier'.
It's as if I was supposed to 'heal' immediately.
It took me a long time to get over the Spring Shock because last year was a long time. (J-boy, he knew in December he was going to Panama but said fuck all to me)
I loved Japan for the 16 full-on years I lived there and feel terrible that last year I ignored the country, and for what?
To become ignored myself once March swung around.
Yes, that really messed me up.
All that money I wasted on stupid flights, too.
I am not rich and every single penny I saved last year made all the difference to being able to say it was a good decision to go back to Japan.
And then having to waste thousands of it on flights!
Well, fuck that. How about you'd said in December, 'Hey honey, I'm going to Panama in the spring. Why don't you meet me there'.
Instead of saying nothing.
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
And now this mess. A mess that could have been avoided.
What a fck up.
Still, this man never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever spoke of a future together. Never ever ever ever ever said stuff like, 'I'd like to do this with you in the future.' I mean, wtf, we are both free. I often said, 'I'm not some dolt working 5 days a week with 20 days vacation a year. I'm fucking free!! Exploit the freedom!!'
ButI guess there was no future with him and yes, I understood when you said, 'How can there be a future when you want to end it all the time', to which I'd have to reply, 'If you hadn't done stupid shit in this relationship to cause me to get upset or doubt the sincerity of your love and interest in me, then we wouldn't have had to fight in the first place!'
Well, right from the start I was all for having a future with you. The problem was that you weren't. Well, you should have bloody told me ages ago because this year has been one big fucked up waste of time. As was last year, regardless of the money I saved.

I guess this will be me soon. Back in the yard. Putting carrots into the net vegetable rack.
Yep, sad sad sad, what a new beginning, starting off sad again. Sucks. Truly sucks. Still, step by step with my new Neck Trimmer and I should get somewhere, even if it's only to the Capitanes Club.
I emailed the marina again, this time to Melissa, cos she always gets back pronto.
I checked access to funds yesterday so I know I have money once in Mexico.
Have to phone the fckers at glow.com today.
I've been avoiding looking at the price of metals because it makes me feel sick to think I could be $5000 richer by now, but still have money in an account for buying metals and have to do something about that. It's the biggest grown-up horrible responsible thing I have to deal with beyond the heartbreak.
Gonna go round a couple of thrift stores today to see if they have anything useful for boat life. A life raft maybe?
Once I hear back from the marina I can book my bus tickets down to Mexico. This means I have to take a shuttle from Flag, then a taxi to the Tufesa bus station. He said he'd drive me down to Mexico when he gets back from Canada but I said that him going to Canada without me has totally set the relationship back to zero and why the fck hang around for somebody who's taken himself away from you. I'd be a fool to have my head messed with any further. He'd come home, we'd end up kissing, drive down to Mexico and then he'd say, 'See ya in a few months', and it would be just like nothing changed. So fuck it. I'm making my own way to Mexico.

Despite there being great love between us - this was unmistakable - it was doomed from the start because he ne'er needed me.
Our tiffs were over things like:
He not once, ever, talked about my impending retirement or asked me what I wanted to do or what 'we' might do after the long year apart. Not once. This left me having to ask questions all the time, trying to figure out what's going on all the fricking time.

Throughout the Long Year in Japan he always left me guessing till the last minute about the next time we might be able to meet. The missing word in that year was hope (before that half-white guy in the White House nicked it) and hope goes a long way when you feel lonely, sad and a tosser. This left me having to ask questions all the time, trying to figure out what's going on all the fricking time.

He was unfaithful to me almost as soon as I left for Japan and if I see that bitch I will puncture her dinghy or think about puncturing her dinghy, cos when I think about things they sometimes happen on their own, which I'd prefer. This act with the skanky kant meant that the trust element in the relationship got smashed to smithereens at an early stage and it's been a tough ride picking up all the pieces. Real tough.

He always remained silent on the matter of my boat, even when I covered important topics like, 'Well, if we're to be together, I really should sell her, as the money in my boat is money I was counting on having, and/or using the boat to get by on very little so that I don't have to work again".
It is my belief that if two people say they love each other deeply, that part of that love is involving yourselves in both of your worlds.
He not once said, 'It would be great to cruise your boat in the Sea of Cortez' or other shiz you'd think two people with boats might gab on about.

Words he said, which will help me realise he wasn't the one, despite many signs saying he was, inlcude,
(About totally ignoring my retirement and going off to Panama instead) "Well, I saw you in December, didn't I?"
(About the skanky kant) "Well, you didn't trust me anyway" (It is my opinion that trust is not a given and that trust has to be earned so yes, I am cautious when I first start dating a guy)

He was a great man. I only date great men. He was the first great man in my life. But he shouldn't have led me on by saying how much he loved me, which he said a lot, because this meant that I saw us as having a relationship that I thought was serious enough to make huge changes to my life over. That year in Japan almost killed me. I know it sounds dramatic but it did me in, and still does me in, when I remember doing nothing for that entire year and then having to deal with two months in the aftermath where I totally lost my head and cried myself to sleep daily. So yah, here I was making massive changes to my life, whilst all the time I'm with somebody who never, not once, spoke of things we could do together in the future. This left me having to ask questions all the time, trying to figure out what's going on all the fcking time. It was an intense day-to-day love that kept me blinded to the fact that he just wasn't into committment despite loving me so deeply that I felt sure this was it. Panama showed the need factor to be wholly absent and this was 2 years into the relationship.

I kidded myself for too long.
I am hurting now because I really loved this man.
Yet, if he's okay not being with me, despite saying that he doesn't want it to be over, then that is a sure sign that he's not worth any more of this fucking heartache.

The End Of An Eros

Well, it's over. I feel awful but life is always better than death, so I'll stick with life and see what happens.
Just emailed the marina.
Next step: bus ticket to Mexico.
Bye bye America.
Thank you for the surprise visit to my life.

I added some spinach to the curry. The absence of ginger sucks. You.need.ginger.in.curry.

Tee hee. I love BBC comedy.

I'm working with limited spices tonight; cumin, chili powder, like really limited. I stirred the spices into a mix of chopped onion and garlic, added some water once soft, and an apple, simmered it for a few minutes, then blended the onion etc with a tin of toms and added it to the chicken thighs in the Le Creuset.

This is another one of my recent buys and I love it even though I have Nigel Calder's Blah Blah Boat Bible.
I like my new book because it comes with easy-to-understand diagrams.
I think this book is more of a girls' book even though men seem to fawn over Calder. Personally I find Calder's book a little bit dry and hard to understand. But that's also cos I am thick.
Anyway, my special friend is off on a mission down the hill and I'm home alone. Gonna make an Indian curry while listening to The News Quiz.http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00nrs1w
Ah, just like the old days in Japan Land.

Here's another dumb photo taken by a tree stump. I'm wearing a $5 down jacket I bought from a thrift store in the nearest town. I also bought an Ecuadorian Alpaca sweater for $4. It's so soft and warm.

It snowed in Utah one morning.
I love this view and would always take my dump out here.

When we came home yesterday, I fancied something a bit different to wine or beer, so went and bought a bottle of sake. We quaffed it in a sake set that cost a buck! It's a beautiful sake set, if I say so myself.
The pillow in the photo is from Laos. Also a buck. I bought a shitload of cushion covers cos you just know how many cushions I have on the boat.
p.s The sake tray was a present from some private students in Japan.
Last night, when I was drinking the sake, I felt fond memories for Japan. I could live there again if I had a supply of butterfly kisses and orbs.

Ever since I was an egg, I've loved sleeping in notrealbeds, like bunks or cabins or caves.
Fact: Americans do campers well.
Canadians probably do, too.
The Brits do caravans, which are a bit gay.

I don't look like my shadow.

After 4 beers I obviously found it amusing to take a photo of myself stuck on some barbed wire. It took me ages to get free. Hic.

An old log cabin being left to rot. All it needs is a new roof to keep it from dying a pointless death.

Here's me quaffing one of the four beers upon a log that had fallen across the creek.
I tell ya, it's a hard life.

During a tiff I headed for the hills with my new GPS. (And those 4 beers)

A yummy breakfast. I love this kind of life. It's akin to being on a boat; where things we take for granted usually, just aren't there, yet the alternatives are fun and extreme, yet simple, if you get my pissed gist.
I have the chance to go down to Feenix today but I think I'll stay home to wage war on www.glow.com, the fckers who duped me into thinking the face powder was free. Mo' fo's, I ain't no dumb consumer, even though I jumped at the FREE, and I don't even wear make-up!

Stump on the Stump

Is it too early for a beer? 6 pack of Modelo for $5.99.

These nutty buns were damn good.
Anyway, I dunno.
I dunno about a lot of things.
It's just a day by day thing for now.
Mmmm Baileys.

I think I should go to Vancouver because I can't see myself getting my act together re: moving boat to the yard anytime very soon. We'd be leaving for Canada on Tuesday or Wednesday.
I should do it. I'll regret it if I don't. It's a good chance to take.

I love long American roads out in the middle of nowhere.

The last night of the stay was coooooooooold. Especially my butt. It took ages to warm up.

'Smudging' the camper with sage. Bwahhahahahahahahahahhaaa. You do this to ward off evil spirits, like what Martini Rosso is.
I am not New Age yet orbs still hang in my 'hood. I was 'smudging' just for the experience.

Very nice beer.
Do I go to Vancouver or not. Fack, I dunno.

Marking a scenic spot with a refreshing beverage.

There was snow up top.

So beautiful. Nobody around but us.
I'm very lucky. In March 2007 I upped and left the Far East all on my tod for new adventures in Mexico. I soon met a guy who since has shown me some most amazing places. Camping tout les temps. I love it.

Highly recommend this beer. 30 cans for $15.99 from Frys. El Salvadorian.
After a tiff, I went off for a little hike with 4 cans of beer.
I hoped he wouldn't notice them missing.
The next day he said, 'Holy cow! We've drunk a lot of beer so far', and I said, 'Um, yesterday when we had the tiff, I drank 4'.
I'm such a beer bitch.

He he he Heather, check out the hammock swing in the creek.
$13.99 on Amazon.
;)

The wine cellar for empties.
All I want to do in life is drink, eat and have sex. Oh, and blog.

These sausages tasted good. I love fire cooking. Jack Tar! You gotta do Utah sometime. You'd love it.

This table, which rolls up, used to be used on river trips in the Grand Canyon. It's a billion years old but still works. Very nice teak.

This apple tasted great by the embers in the morning.
I'm drinking Baukets. He he he. That was meant to say Baileys.
Hic.

I love big sky.
So yah, it's 10.28am and I'm about to go up to Bashas to buy a bottle of Baileys, which is on special at $12.99.
I was up at Bashas at 8am. A man there said,
'Morning! Hope you're having a good one".
I sed, 'I sure am, especially now I've seen Baileys on special"
'You can't buy booze before 10am', the man said
'Go home, have your coffee and come back later'
'But this was for the coffee!!', I protested.

So I came home, did some washing cos our clothes are filthy from living life on the land (dreamy), and now it's past 10am!
Time to get spiritual!
Gonna get my Baileys before I switch to living off Tequila and that creamy stuff Heather the Meer loves when down south.

I still feel like crap for not taking any photos of the most awesome place on earth - the Vermilion Cliffs. Here's some alternative breathtaking scenery instead. Tiffs suck when the land in front of you gets ignored because of inner turmoil.

It's all go. But to where? Do I go to Vancouver this week? I dunno. It's a road trip with my special friend's best friend. I think buddies prefer hanging out without a chick in the picture. Anyway, we shall see. We shall see how the next couple of days go.

Cos I'm A Fire Starter

Every morning and every night we built a fire. There's enough wood in the 'hood to last a lifetime. Bark was an excellent fire starter. We cooked all our food on the fire. If you can find this wine for under $5, it's worth it.
Don't pay full price for it and don't get the merlot. Cab is best with this vino. We also had 2 tiffs around the fire but on the whole I've left this fire circle with fine memories.
Relationships are hard when one has to juggle two separate lives into something that feels more 'together'.
Here's an example of what frustrates me.
So, as y'all know, I have been buying a heap of boat-related stuff, including a back-up handheld GPS. My special friend says, 'You should have a couple of back-up GPS's. I do'.
Which makes me think, and then say, "See! See how confusing our love is when I'm with a guy who already has a couple of GPS's, knows I have a boat, says that he loves me, and yet how am I meant to feel when you watch me buy all this crap even though you already have some of this gear. Shorely if we are to be together, this is where we start to share our two worlds."
Am I a crazy bunny boiler for thinking like this?

Apart from a couple of minor tiffs on the usual subject of 'what lies ahead', we had a great time. I tell ya, I could live simply on the land for a few months if I had a supply of wine and other refreshing beverages.
I entertained the idea of brewing my own beer if ever I did this kind of gig for a while.
Anyhow, this was a pleasant picnic on top of some sandy cliffs. The soil in the area is forgiving ground to hike and pooh upon.
I really loved all the nature that surrounded us. Utah is out of this world. I have been so fortunate to have been introduced to this part of the States. I never thought I'd get to travel in the US cos it's expensive as a backpacker who can't drive, so feel blessed that I've seen some of the most awesome scenery on the planet merely from making new friends whilst taking myself out into the big wide world.

Tiffs Suck

Crossing the Little Colorado. I could kick myself for some amazing photo opportunities that I missed yesterday because the whole drive back was done in silence because of a fack up at breakfast.
Here's how it went:
Me: So, darling, can you see me back at your ranch again some day?
Him: I don't know. That will be up to you.
Me: kdfjakdsfjdsfjdskfjsdafjdskjf

If only, if only he'd said, 'Sure honey', I'd have been able to have truly enjoyed the most magnificent, most beautiful drive in the country. My apologies go out to the Vermillion Cliffs and the Big Colorado for missing fcking awesome photo opps because of a stupid tiff.
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Back From Utah

Okay, so we had a couple of tiffs, but most of the time was totally Waldon Pond. More later.